Episode 57: Silence Your Inner Critic
Episode Recap
Career transformation coach and keynote speaker Tosca DiMatteo shares how professionals can break free from self-limiting patterns, quiet their inner critic, and show up with renewed confidence. She reveals how to disrupt negative narratives, identify what you truly want to say, and take bold, aligned action to reignite your career.
Blog
Career transformation coach Tosca DiMatteo explored the complex world of inner critics and their impact on professional development. The inner critic is that persistent voice inside our head that constantly undermines confidence, using phrases like “you should” or “you can’t” to keep individuals playing small.
Contrary to popular belief, this critical voice emerges as a protective mechanism, attempting to keep professionals “safe” by preventing them from taking risks. However, this outdated survival tactic often holds people back from reaching their true potential.
DiMatteo suggests multiple strategies for quieting the inner critic. The first step involves increasing awareness by recognizing repetitive negative thought patterns. Professionals can then actively disrupt these narratives through physical movement, setting clear mental boundaries, listening to empowering music, and replacing negative statements with truthful, supportive ones. Building authentic confidence requires focusing on actual achievements and potential. Instead of using forced, unrealistic statements, individuals should craft narratives that feel genuine and supportive, such as “I am becoming more confident each day.” The ultimate goal isn’t completely eliminating the inner critic, but developing a healthier relationship with one’s inner dialogue.
By recognizing and understanding these psychological patterns, professionals can transform self-doubt into self-empowerment, ultimately unlocking greater personal and career potential. The journey begins with understanding that one’s potential is always far greater than the inner critic suggests.
Kelly Callahan
Welcome to the Two Marketing Moms Podcast. I’m Kelly Callahan Poe, and today’s episode is called Silence Your Inner Critic with Tosca DiMatteo. Tosca is a keynote speaker, career transformation coach, author and advisor. Her mission is to help professionals at all levels to shift their inner narratives and take bold, aligned action to get unstuck in their career. Welcome Tosca.
Tosca DiMatteo
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Kelly
I’m happy to chat with you, and this isn’t the first time we chatted, because I had an opportunity to do an inner critic session with you, and we’ll talk a little bit about that in a little bit. I think we all know what the definition is of an inner critic. I think we all know those are the thoughts that race inside of our heads when you know no one’s listening and it’s only us but can you elaborate a little bit about what it is and why does it seem to get louder as we advance in our careers and we tend to second guess ourselves?
Tosca
Yeah, no, I’m glad you asked this question about, like, what an inner critic is, because sometimes it is that dialog that we know we’re having inside our head, and sometimes it’s a feeling. So, we may not hear the dialog, but like we feel guilt, or we, you know, feel sad, and some people even identify the inner critic as like inner child, part of themselves. So, I think that there’s a lot of different ways to kind of identify what this actually is, but in general, you know, to your point, it is the inner critic. And the way I think about it is like that, that dialog that’s on loop, that that, that part of yourself that you know has been saying that same thing or those same things for, like, a long time. And some of the indicators of the inner critic voice being present is they say things like, Should or need to or have to, and they also sound like they’re predicting the future. They know exactly what’s going to happen, like, oh, this is what will happen if you speak up in that meeting. Or, you know, so these are just some of the indicators of, like, is it an inner critic voice that’s going on or not?
Kelly
Shoulda, coulda, woulda, right?
Tosca
so, to the second part of your question, which is like, why do they get louder as we advance in our career, or even as we get really close to like our comfort zone the edge of it, it happens because the inner critic is really there to keep you safe. It may sound counterintuitive, right, but the inner critic shows up because at one point in your life you needed it to keep you safe or to get your needs met, whether that’s the very fundamental basic needs of shelter, food, love, and so when it feels like you’re entering new territory, unchartered territory, it’s like, whoa. Wait a minute. You know, red flag, let’s make sure she’s safe and gets what she needs. It’s just using really, really old tactics. And also, you don’t need that voice anymore, but it doesn’t know that. So, it’s showing up in these like, really unfortunate times, like when you’re about to take that leap of faith, or you’re about to take that new job or that promotion. So, it’s actually a really good sign, I think, when you’re stepping into something new, because it’s a real indication, like, Yep, this is new. It’s uncomfortable and good for you, because it means its growth.
Kelly
Be in it. Well, what strategies do you recommend to quiet the inner critic?
Tosca
Yeah, absolutely, you know, yeah, absolutely can be quieted. And I think that’s why I’m so passionate about this work, because I think that we just feel like this is the way it is, this is the way it has to be. This is who we are. And like, I just have to deal with this, you know, voice that’s bringing me down, that’s making me feel feelings that I don’t, that don’t feel good. And so yeah, like, we can actually create a different relationship with that inner critic we can quiet. It we can support ourselves in having that voice come up less frequently and less harshly and all those things. So, yeah, I just wanted to, like, start by saying that and going back to your question. You were like, what can we do then, to have this experience less often or less. You know harsh the very first step is deepening your awareness of what you’re saying to yourself, of what this dialog is, because it’s often so intertwined with who we are that we’re just not even paying attention, or we’re really stuffing it before we get a chance to really be like, Oh, what is it saying to me? And like, how frequently is this happening? It happens, I think, way more often than we realize. And so that idea of deepening awareness is what allows us to see, oh my gosh. Like, this is this is happening all the time, or more frequent than I even realized.
Kelly
So obviously becoming aware is the most important, just understanding what it is and when you’re doing it. Can you talk a little bit more about what are your strategies for disrupting it?
Tosca
Yes, yes. Disrupting it is like that key next step, right? Because we have to, then not go down the rabbit hole of that voice saying, what, who do you think you are, and you shouldn’t even got this job, because you know you, you know you don’t have all the qualifications, right? Because what happens is, if we allow it to keep going, even when we notice it, we’re continuing the same behavior pattern of letting that take control so disrupting it, you can have a lot of fun with what successful disruption will look like for you. And I think it’s different for everybody. So, it might mean, like, if you’re in front of your computer, your kind of going on loop with not good enough this email, whatever you can get out of your chair, literally move locations, change your environment, like literally move your body. That’s one way to disrupt yourself is physically just making a change. Or maybe it’s standing up versus sitting down. Maybe it’s like literally “shaking it off”, if we take a page from Taylor Swift, right. And another disruption tactic is to hold a boundary and say, oh, I hear you. No, not today, not on my watch. We’re not going down this road and to you can say it out loud. You know, you can say it to yourself. Another disruption strategy is listening to music. So if it’s really hard for you to kind of come in there with a different, a different thing, you want to say to yourself or to disrupt that, that loop that’s going on, listen to a song that you feel empowered by, you know that that lifts you up rather than brings you down. And that’s another way to make that shift with you with your energy and with your thought pattern.
Kelly
And all this is all about building your confidence, right? Your inner confidence. So not only do you feel it, but you demonstrate that on the outside, right?
Tosca
I think that our inner critic dialog is the biggest barrier to our inner confidence shining through. Because if we’re telling ourselves that we’re not good enough, we don’t have enough experience, that we’re not ready, that whatever then what we’re not remembering, what we’re not focusing on, is all the hard things we’ve done in our life, all the things that we’ve overcome, all the things that we’ve done that we didn’t know 100% but we did it anyway, and we actually succeeded, or we learned from it, or we grew from it. So I think the natural occurrence when we start to disrupt these thoughts, when we start to insert new thoughts in our heads that actually serve us is our confidence, like we remember our confidence, like we remember who we are, and that comes forward, and we can then reinforce that confidence and be like, Yeah, I have done something difficult before. Oh, I have changed companies before, and I learned some things from that. And I did do a great job, you know? So, it’s kind of two sides of the same coin, in a way.
Kelly
So, recalling your accomplishments, rather than that loop in your head that is repeating the negatives. So, it’s a counter to one for the other, right?
Tosca
The way that I think about it is our inner critic narratives tell us lies, like there it’s always a lie, and you can test that every single time. So, I like to think about it in terms. Terms of the counter, the antidote to the inner critic is, well, what’s the truth? Yeah, and the truth in that moment might be, well, I don’t even know what’s going to happen, or I don’t know what’s possible, but that is a far better honest statement to lead you than well, you’re not going to be successful, right? Because the truth is, well, I don’t know how successful I can be, but I’m willing to bet on myself, and that’s how I’m going to move forward. Does that make sense? So, it’s really the truth. We have to remember what the truth is and remember that the inner critic narrative is actually a lie, and that is how we start to move forward towards honoring what is the truth. What is our truth and what is possible, versus the dialog that tells us it already knows what’s going to happen.
Kelly
So as part of this process, you’re crafting a new narrative for yourself. How do you do this in a way that feels authentic and powerful, rather than forced?
Tosca
Yeah, oh my gosh. I love that question, because oftentimes, you know, there’s stuff out there that’s like, Yeah, I’m a millionaire. And it’s like if you can’t access right, that what you want for yourself, then, then it’s going to feel forced, and it’s going to feel like you, like you don’t even, you know, have an ounce of belief in it. So, my suggestion is that you, that you identify those things, that you can really start to believe that you can really like trust in that moment. And that might be, I am becoming more and more confident with each new day like that, more and more could be a great entryway into who it is you want to become, into who you are becoming and what you’re aspiring to. So, if you know, if, for example, the thought in your head is like, you know, I don’t have all the qualifications for this job that I’m applying to, it could be I am experienced, and I am open to growing in my next role. And it’s really like what is it you’re calling in for yourself? What are you claiming? And what is that powerful truth that you can access in the moment and get excited by and build on?
Kelly
One of the questions that you asked me during our own inner critic session was that was the question, what patterns are you looking to shift? And for me, I will admit, a lot of it is perfectionism, and what I tend to do is I always give 110% and then I’m exhausted, and I don’t really pace myself. And so that really gave me some insights into, you know, my blockers. And how can I create more of a routine for myself to realize my energy isn’t necessarily how always at 100% and to balance that out.
If someone feels really stuck, do we look into our daily habits and our patterns to help rebuild momentum, or what else do you recommend?
Tosca
Yeah, I mean, absolutely, if you can access that, you know when you’re stuck, sometimes it’s hard to even see the patterns that are keeping you stuck. But absolutely, you can start to ask yourself the question, which is like, what do I keep doing that’s not leading to something new? You know, that’s one way that you can ask yourself the question. You can also ask yourself that question around patterns of like, how do I feel at the end of the day? Be based on, right, what happened and what I did, and that can be a great access point to what is the pattern that’s not serving you. So, if at the end of the day you just even building off of your beautiful like sharing about, you know, perfectionism challenges, right? If at the end of the day you say, oh my gosh, I am so drained again. What happened today? Why do I feel drained? And then you can say, oh, I spent four hours on that thing, and that was so draining, and that might clue you in to say, oh, maybe you didn’t need to spend four hours. Or maybe, like you actually need to give yourself a break, so that you can recenter and come back to it with fresh eyes. And then you then that can help you start to see the patterns, so you can access it through like really looking at, how am I feeling today? How did I feel after that particular interaction? Or maybe, how did I feel after my morning routine? And if, if how you’re feeling isn’t how you want to feel, or if how you’re feeling feels closed and restricted versus this idea of open and curious and available, those can be great indicators for what to look at as a starting point to get unstuck and Even just naming the thing is enough like, let that be enough, right? Like, naming, oh, there’s this perfectionist pattern. Great. Give yourself permission to sit with that for a few days or even a week and say, gosh, I have this new awareness. And then after you’ve really sat with it, you can say, what is it I want to experiment with, to do differently now, to start to shift this? And it could look like I’m going to put a timer on, you know, my tasks, or I’m going to say, Well, what? What do I get to do if I take less time with these things, making them perfect? Oh, if I had 30 extra minutes in my day, this is what I would do with it. I would maybe take care of myself more, maybe have a conversation. Maybe I actually move on to that project that really excites me, that keeps getting put on the back burner, and so you can start to get excited about what else becomes possible. For example, when we’re looking at shifting our patterns and behaviors.
Kelly
Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about. thank you so much for sharing your insights today, Tosca, we’ll post your contact information on twomarketingmoms.com.
Tosca
My pleasure. Thank you so much for having this really important conversation. I look forward to your audience and how they respond. I appreciate it.
Contact Information for Website
https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo
